found her

maybe

maybe if i can get her to forgive me maybe that'll count

i don't want to die but it hurts its making me hurt my body's giving away and its hurting more the longer i take but i dont wanna die

maybe she can forgive me maybe thisll all be over then

i dont wantto die

I figured it out.  Why it's twisting inside me.  Why it's torturing me to remember.  Why it's killing me a little bit at a time, but not all the way.  Not yet.

Something confused me, it's true.  But my actions were my own.  But because I was tricked, I'm being given a choice.  An option.

Xenian Catharsis asked if I really appreciated all the effort going into this.  I do, now.

I'm getting the option to judge myself.  To punish myself.  Now that I know my mistake, the eye is letting me punish myself.  I am supposed to be my own judgement.

And yeah, at first I though, what if I don't judge myself?  I die anyway.  Whatever it's doing...whatever it's doing is destroying me from the outside in.  Wearing me down.  My options are to kill myself and get a quick death, or let myself rot away until there's nothing left of me.

I'm scared.   There's no one I can turn to.  No one I want to drag into this.  Half of the people I know here...fuck, I haven't seen any of my friends since this started.  They deserted me like rats deserting a sinking ship.  The only friend it feels like I ever had...

It doesn't feel fair.  I had so much ahead of me.  I want there to be something I can do.  But there isn't.

It doesn't feel fair.  Guess that's a pretty good indication that it is, right?

I deserve this.

I've always deserved this.

And pretty soon, the eye will be seeing me.  For the last time.

.hturT ehT

I agreed to tell everyone.  To say what I did. My body stopped twisting and tearing inside almost immediately.

But the eyes are still here.  They're still watching me.

When I was sixteen, I went to this party, I don't even remember whose it was, with my best friend, Charity.  She was really pretty, and we both kind of had a thing for each other, but nothing really came of it, you know?  Nothing was supposed to come of it.

She wasn't feel well and we were off alone and I was being an idiot and drinking something because at sixteen I was obviously responsible enough to have alcohol right?

And then she started asking me to have sex with her.  No, asking's too weak of a word.  She started begging me to fuck her, to use her any way my teenage body would desire.  She wanted it any which way I wanted, wanted it rough and wanted it now.

I was drunk and sixteen and she was hot.  How could I say no?

I should've said no.  She sort of weakly pushed against me and I guess thinking back she looked kind of afraid but I was so drunk and stupid I barely even noticed.

Afterwards...it was just kind of cold, and I felt this feeling, in my stomach, that maybe I just fucked up big time.

Later I got picked up by the cops.  Turns out she told them I'd raped her.

At the trial I said I didn't.  Told them she asked me for it and I felt so betrayed at the time I didn't even think something had been fishy about the whole thing.  I do now, though..

My dad's pretty well off.  I was found not guilty...and, in the process, it destroyed Charity's reputation....and mine too, because even if you're found innocent, people always suspect.  The always will suspect.

I tried to talk to Charity about it.  Big fucking mistake.  Her brother, Faith?  Beat the every loving shit out of me.  Broke my arm and more than a few ribs.  My dad was going to sue them, have him arrested, but I begged him not to.  I just wanted to move away.  Just wanted to forget about everything.

But something won't let me.

The eyes won't let me forget.

I don't know what they want from me.  To punish me?  I lost my best friend.  I  ruined my life.  Isn't that enough?

What  does it mean that there was a third party?  Did someone set me up to do that to her?  Was she  really begging me to stop and something stopped me from hearing it?

pain is again maybe more latr if i

yhw

i feel something in my body something's moving around and twisting and twisting  i don't know what's going on.

there are eyes everywhere there never aren't eyes.

just watching me.

always watching me.

the other day i woke up in my chair.  my blog was congratulating me on my new post.

except it was the xenian catharsis post.  i don't understand.  why would i send those?  i don't remember and i don't want to remember what it wants me to remember.

she doesn't return my calls anymore i guess she left me that was fast.

i guess i don't have a whole lot of luck with women, huh?

i started laughing then but it hurt.  it hurts like there's something in me, pressing against me.

twisting around in my insides.

i should go to the doctor but i'm afraid they'll find something.  something in there.  pretty fucking stupid, huh?  i guess that's me in a nutshell.  why do anything when you can coast by on someone else's money?  heh.

i laughed again that was pretty dumb of me.

oh look another eye what the fuck do you want?  it's just staring like some big jelly-filled douchebag and owe mother fucker stop that what's doing that god damnit.

i'm not going to give in, you hear me?  make me type cryptic fucking comments and rip around my insides all you fucking want.

i'm not fucking giving in.

Trials

The defendant claims this was all an accident.

Tell us.

How could this possibly be an accident?

The defense states that there was an outside part involved.

The judge has considered this.

However, the prosecution has raised an excellent point.

Even with the outside party, the defendant should have known better.

He should have known.

You should have plead guilty.

It wouldn't have saved you, Daniel.

But it's going to be so much worse now.

But maybe I'm wrong.

Why don't you tell us, Daniel?

Tell us all about your

disgusting

crime.

I...I don't

This is getting...

There are peep holes all over my house.  I see eyes looking in on me wherever I go...only when I look closer, they're not there.

And..

I don't think it's just my house.

I saw one in a fucking tree for god's sake.

I don't think Faith is behind this but...

I don't know what I believe.

Someone's watching me and no matter what I do they keep hijacking my account.

You know what, whoever you are?

I didn't do anything wrong.  I was found innocent.  I am innocent.

If it was anything, it was an accident.  Just that.

There, you happy?  You fucking happy you piece of shit?!

Reply Requested.

I wonder, Daniel.

Do you consider it a crime?

Or an accident?

Was it malice or genuine confusion?

How do you feel about what you did?

And how will you react when time comes to pay for it?

Please, respond.  Tell me how you feel about your terrible, terrible act.

Tell us all about the horrible thing you did.

--xenian catharsis

And What The Hell Is This

Someone's jacked my account.  I've changed my password.

It's gotta be the same guy.  Shit.  He knows my name!  I haven't posted my name or anybody's name!

It's got to be that fucking  psycho.  I moved across the fucking state!  I'm out of both of your shitty lives!  That's what you wanted, isn't it, Faith?!  I did what you asked me to.  Hell, I was fucking glad to!

What happened to the restraining order?  Is that not good enough anymore?  Do you feel like you have to torment me now?

What, are you trying to make me remember?  You think I don't already?

Fuck this.  Tomorrow I'm calling the cops.

Ha Ha. So Hilarious.

I hate this guy.  Why won't he stop calling me?

Dude, yeah, I get it.  Really fucking funny at first.  But this...this is just starting to get fucking nuts.  "Your Disgusting".  My disgusting what?  If I'm so fucking disgusting why is the purpose of your shitty life to harass me over the phone at all goddamn hours of the day?

Even then, as if that's not bad enough, the other day I had my girlfriend over and--get this--I catch a glimpse of someone's eye in my wall.  He must've covered it up real fucking fast, because it wasn't there when I went to look for it, but I know I saw it.  Just what I fucking needed, my piece of shit neighbor peeping in on me and my ladyfriend.  Can't I get some privacy when I'm not being harassed by some obsessive asshole!?  Is that too much to ask?!

My landlord? Doesn't believe me, of course!  Useless goddamn asshole!

Because of this prank calling shithead, I'm barely sleeping.  I keep nodding off in class.  And get this!

SOMEHOW, SOME FUCKING HOW, HE CAN STILL CALL ME WHEN MY PHONE IS OFF

How the hell is he pulling this off?  Why go to all the trouble!?  What's he  fucking gain from this!?

I better not fucking find out this is you, Faith.  I will not hesitate to get the cops after your ass.  Pretty sure this violates the restraining order you psycho piece of shit.

It probably is him.  It would just fucking figure.  It would just FUCKING FIGURE.

There he is again.

I'm going to break that phone I swear to christ.