Monday, December 19, 2011

.hturT ehT

I agreed to tell everyone.  To say what I did. My body stopped twisting and tearing inside almost immediately.

But the eyes are still here.  They're still watching me.

When I was sixteen, I went to this party, I don't even remember whose it was, with my best friend, Charity.  She was really pretty, and we both kind of had a thing for each other, but nothing really came of it, you know?  Nothing was supposed to come of it.

She wasn't feel well and we were off alone and I was being an idiot and drinking something because at sixteen I was obviously responsible enough to have alcohol right?

And then she started asking me to have sex with her.  No, asking's too weak of a word.  She started begging me to fuck her, to use her any way my teenage body would desire.  She wanted it any which way I wanted, wanted it rough and wanted it now.

I was drunk and sixteen and she was hot.  How could I say no?

I should've said no.  She sort of weakly pushed against me and I guess thinking back she looked kind of afraid but I was so drunk and stupid I barely even noticed. was just kind of cold, and I felt this feeling, in my stomach, that maybe I just fucked up big time.

Later I got picked up by the cops.  Turns out she told them I'd raped her.

At the trial I said I didn't.  Told them she asked me for it and I felt so betrayed at the time I didn't even think something had been fishy about the whole thing.  I do now, though..

My dad's pretty well off.  I was found not guilty...and, in the process, it destroyed Charity's reputation....and mine too, because even if you're found innocent, people always suspect.  The always will suspect.

I tried to talk to Charity about it.  Big fucking mistake.  Her brother, Faith?  Beat the every loving shit out of me.  Broke my arm and more than a few ribs.  My dad was going to sue them, have him arrested, but I begged him not to.  I just wanted to move away.  Just wanted to forget about everything.

But something won't let me.

The eyes won't let me forget.

I don't know what they want from me.  To punish me?  I lost my best friend.  I  ruined my life.  Isn't that enough?

What  does it mean that there was a third party?  Did someone set me up to do that to her?  Was she  really begging me to stop and something stopped me from hearing it?

pain is again maybe more latr if i

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