Sunday, December 25, 2011

I figured it out.  Why it's twisting inside me.  Why it's torturing me to remember.  Why it's killing me a little bit at a time, but not all the way.  Not yet.

Something confused me, it's true.  But my actions were my own.  But because I was tricked, I'm being given a choice.  An option.

Xenian Catharsis asked if I really appreciated all the effort going into this.  I do, now.

I'm getting the option to judge myself.  To punish myself.  Now that I know my mistake, the eye is letting me punish myself.  I am supposed to be my own judgement.

And yeah, at first I though, what if I don't judge myself?  I die anyway.  Whatever it's doing...whatever it's doing is destroying me from the outside in.  Wearing me down.  My options are to kill myself and get a quick death, or let myself rot away until there's nothing left of me.

I'm scared.   There's no one I can turn to.  No one I want to drag into this.  Half of the people I know here...fuck, I haven't seen any of my friends since this started.  They deserted me like rats deserting a sinking ship.  The only friend it feels like I ever had...

It doesn't feel fair.  I had so much ahead of me.  I want there to be something I can do.  But there isn't.

It doesn't feel fair.  Guess that's a pretty good indication that it is, right?

I deserve this.

I've always deserved this.

And pretty soon, the eye will be seeing me.  For the last time.

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